Life Never Easy

Really hard to decide.

I’m rasional enough, but the problem is very tough. Or am i too tenderhearted?

I should not care too much on this, is their responsibilty to do so, that’s what i always tell myself, but i never act like what i told. this is my weakness. ya~ tenderhearted. *sigh* 

What to do? This is what we called human’s life, decisions and decisions, problems and problems all over. No matter how, problems hav to be settled down at last. This is the rule.

I have the answer already actually, but it’s too hard for me to step out, really need more courage.

I had stressed myself too much, and i’m very happy that i can stand till now, I know I changed a lot…

那天读“少年”的时侯，发现了这个故事，于是就到网上去找，想和大家分享。

有一对兄弟，他们的家住在80层楼上。有一天他们外出旅行回家，发现大楼停电了！虽然他们背着大包的行李，但看来没有什么别的选择，于是哥哥对弟弟说，我们就爬楼梯上去！于是，他们背着两大包行李开始爬楼梯。爬到20楼的时候他们开始累了，哥哥说“包包太重了，不如这样吧，我们把包包放在这里，等来电后坐电梯来拿。”于是，他们把行李放在了20楼，轻松多了，继续向上爬。 　　他们有说有笑地往上爬，但是好景不长，到了40楼，两人实在累了。想到还只爬了一半，两人开始互相埋怨，指责对方不注意大楼的停电公告，才会落得如此下场。他们边吵边爬，就这样一路爬到了60楼。到了60楼，他们累得连吵架的力气也没有了。弟弟对哥哥说，“我们不要吵了，爬完它吧。”于是他们默默地继续爬楼，终于80楼到了！兴奋地来到家门口兄弟俩才发现他们的钥匙留在了20楼的包包里了.

　　有人说，这个故事其实就是反映了我们的人生：20岁之前，我们活在家人、老师的期望之下，背负着很多的压力、包袱，自己也不够成熟、能力不足，因此步履难免不稳。20岁之后，离开了众人的压力，卸下了包袱，开始全力以赴地追求自己的梦想，就这样愉快地过了20年。可是到了40岁，发现青春已逝，不免产生许多的遗憾和追悔，于是开始遗憾这个、惋惜那个、抱怨这个、嫉恨那个.就这样在抱怨中度过了20年。到了60岁，发现人生已所剩不多，于是告诉自己不要在抱怨了，就珍惜剩下的日子吧！于是默默地走完了自己的余年。到了生命的尽头，才想起自己好象有什么事情没有完成.原来，我们所有的梦想都留在了20岁的青春岁月。

     I scolded the 323 bus driver just now. I don’t know why could it happen. Maybe is his attitude, I think. This is the inscident: I tried to press the bell just now, but it didn’t ring. So I went to him and tell him where I want to stop. He shout at me:" why you didn’t press the bell?" At that moment, I became crazy, out of my control, my body was shivering, even  until now. I increased my voice and shout him back:" Is not that I don’t want to press, I pressed it, but it didn’t ring!" I pressed the bell again in front of him, to show that it’s not my fault. But his attitude was like… He keep blaming and shouting at me and drop me very far away from my destination. Luckily it wasn’t many people in the bus… I was on the phone with my mom that time. She heard everything. I think she was shock. Sorry for that, mom!

      I don’t know why was it happen. never like this before. (nope! This situation happened once, if not mistaken was somewhere around Jun this year.) Don’t know why, I feel headache suddenly, the body was shivering, breathless, like I’m going to die soon. My soul is getting out of my body… I don’t what should I do after this.  My mind is mess, like rubbish.

     How can I clear all those rubbish? My processor was infected by virus, and too much unwanted files in it. How can I delete all those junk files?  Tomorrow will be the first day of 2007. I hope can delete all those sad memories before 12am, left only the happy ones…

Anyway, HAPPY NEW YEAR everyone!

Tired, physically and mentally, but she stil want to trouble me up. Can’t she become more independent, not too rely on me to do everything? I’m blur now, cracking my head to do my things, and our things too… Not more. I just need some space, leave me alone to calm my mind, even just 5 minutes, don’t force me, or else I’m going to be crazy, becareful…

I promise, I’ll do whatever I had promised… Trust me… Only one thing I want, just a little space…

          The war had over… I thought i can have a short rest today, but… whatever, forget about it..

          Miss Lim had give back the maths exam paper to me. When i look at My marks,  "what a shock man?!!" I got only 24 marks for my paper 2, add with my paper 1 which get only 37, and 7 for assessment, my final mark is only 35! I never get such low mark for my maths,  quite dissapointed… That’s not really until can spoilt my mood, but her words did!

         "Let’s see what you can get in your STPM…"

         "Nevermind, I still have time." I told her.

         "Okay, Let’s HOPE that you can do something to pass your maths…"

         "It’s not ‘I HOPE’ but ‘I WANT’ ", I try to show her my confindence and determination, but her responds was like…. (faham faham sendiri lar). Don’t she know that her words had hurt me? Anyway, thanks to her also, because she’s the one who had challege me.. Don’t want to talk about her any more.. If not, my mood gone again~~

          Just back from Evon’s house, feel a bit lost after the trial exam. Anyway, I had a great evening with Evon and SoThong in AP. From taiwan house to popular, and McD at last, we talk craps the whole evening, relaxed… Wow, since a long time we didn’t share our evening together… Really hope that the happy and wonderful moment can last longer~~

          Back to home around 7.30pm, after having my dinner, I tried to open my book to do some revision. But my mom was scolding me sister that time, coz the little girl don’t want to her revision. I wonder what kind of revision can a 7-year-old girl do. My mom was very worry about her result, (i mean her marks and grade in exam). Why parents nowadays like to force their children to get high marks in exam? Those who get high marks, it is really successful? Not really! She likes drawing, why they can’t giv her a chance to spend some time on her hobby? I was up-brought by this kind of family, i know what my sister feel, so I don’t want her to face the same mistake as me, that’s what i always argue with my parents. I know they loved us, but love is not only on our academy. We need some personal time and space to spend on what we like. Anyway, i’ll love them forever, not other reason, but they are my parents.

           Since I can’t concentrate on my study, so i decided to online to search for some info and post a blog. Her voice still there coz she’s still shouting at my sister. Why couldn’t she lower her voice down? Her voice mess my heart up…. That’ s why i don’t like to go home so early, just wanna get rid of this….

          I think that’s all for this time, c ya my dear bloggy~~

丙戌年闰七月廿八日

军情告急
我军廿六日一战惨败
兵伤无数

此战
敌方备军多年
我军仅练兵数日
不备
乃我兵此战之要害

敌军兵强马壮
连日大战 仍无损兵势
将领诈狠 不可挡也

如今战书已下
避战非大将之风
故未能撤兵
遂力抗 图保土地
但恐军容不再

邻国多已投向敌方
其兵力一夜大增
噱声徘徊
痛心疾首
士可杀 不可辱
誓不作
忘家狗
亡国魂

兵书有话
浮躁乃兵家大忌
兵力虽损
士气不可削 军心不能乱也
胜败乃兵家常事
干戈一场 损兵折将在所难免

另谋良策 为上上之策
故忍辱暗里买兵养军
青山仍在 哪怕无烧材可用?
待秋后楚歌响起 兵戈再动时
势必攻其不备
杀之措手不及
我军必定大获全胜 重得辉煌

今日一败 败乎?

I have not been turned up in school for two weeks… Yea, of course the reason is my health problem. In this two weeks, i had think a lot! Many things come to my mind… My future, my interest, my family, my everything…..

As i’m completing my assignment at home (you guys may know what assigment is it! What more?! the drama..) Sorry guys, I’m not complete it now purposely, actually it’s completed last monday, but due to some technical problem, I have to redo it! DAMN! What problem is it you guys don’t have to know, that’s my responsibility. Anyway, sorry guys. Again, I DON’T MEANT TO FINISH IT LATE, again i clarify.

Yea, back to the topic, I had think many things these days, and after reading Winson’s blog, (yes, definitely, that jue dui superstar’s blog), I can feel his desperation on what he dream of!  I started to think back in my own situation. Like what he said, he’s an architecture student in UTM, but he won’t be an architect in future, because he started realize that that is not his future. He started to hate architecture. Like me too, I started to hate form 6, I mean science… I think some of you should know already. I don’t really like science, or shall I say I have no interest in Science anymore? I like form 6 life, form 6 life gave me a lot, a lot that I’ve left in my secondary school life. [form 6 is not secondary school life anymore in my defination, it's pre-U, no enjoying, no honeymooning...] I’ll really appreciate it, forever and ever. This is the most memorable year that i had, I think. I enjoyed when sit and chat with friends and heng daiz. But when I back to my study, oh my gosh! Headache comes immediately. Maybe this is because of I had failed most of my tests and exams this year, or just I’m not ready yet? I become study phobia already. When I starts to open my book, my mind started to think other things, whatever.. but not the one in the book! Sometimes really jealous about Raymond, he can go well with his plan, but me… There’s a strong feeling in me tells me that "ewa, you’re not belongs to the Science." Maybe what I’ve choose at first is wrong, I should choose the one that I really want. The one that I really want is……… is………Haiz… I don’t even have the courage to say it out! May be you’ll say "everytime you also say this is the one that you want, but at last…."haiz……. I’m lost! Where am I, and where should I go? I know the answer is in me, but I don’t know where it hides, or shall I say I don’t have enough courage to find it out?

Taking STPM, is it the right choice? I know it’s too late now to say it’s right or not, and I don’t have to screw my head to think so much, JUST FIGHT FOR THE CERT! and get into the U. After graduate, you’ll be given chances to earn tonnes and tonnes $$$! But is that the truth? Work for $$$ or suffering for gaining $$$? There’s an devil and angel beside me, giving comment… But, which is devil’s advice, and which is Angel’s? Difficult to determine. Fight for the cert, then? go to U to further study in science or colledge to take my dream course? If I choose U, I have to like it, no choice! But if I choose colledge, many things have to be sacrified, family relationship, money, etc…  *sigh* Very headache… This difficulty has screwed me since last year… How to solve it?

His blog reminds me the peom, "THE ROAD NOT TAKEN"

two roads diverged in a yellow wood
and sorry i could not travel both
and be one traveler,long i stood
and looked down one as far as i could
to where it bent in the undergrowth

then took the other,as just as fair,
and having perhaps the better claim
because it was grassy and wanted wear
though as for that the passing there
had worn them really about the same

and both that morning equally lay
in leaves no step had trodden black
oh i kept the first for another day
yet knowing how way leads on to way
i doubted if i should ever come back

i shall be telling this with a sigh
somewhere ages and ages hence
two roads diverged in a wood,and i
I TOOK THE ONE LESS TRAVELED BY
and that has made all the difference

Which one shall I choose?

It’s hard to write all of what I’ve think here, I think that’s all for this time, tired already… Bye

p/s:thanks for your regards, I’ll appreciate it forever…

          I went for medical check up today… Actually I refuse to wake up to go for the check up when my mom wakes me up this morning… I thought I’m dare to face it, but… I almost cried out that time… "I don’t want to check, I scared it will become reallity… What if I really get the disease?" and bla bla bla… So many question goes around my mind… At that time I had blamed the god, blame that he makes me into trouble… But after that, only I reallize that many people are very concern about me! My mom and dad, aunties and uncles, heng daiz, ji mui, friends, and last but not least the "old people"! Thanks for giving me support! And of course sorry to the GOD, you are the one who let me know that so manny people have support me, but I have blamed you! I will appreciate it! And sorry the trouble that I’ve caused! Now i have to announce that:

                        I’M NOT SUFFERING FROM THAT "SNAKE"!!! HAHA!!

          Just normal skin alergy, I got… Haha!! I have scared myself and everyone too.. That stupid ’snake’ makes me didn’t sleep for the whole night, keep thinking of it. And now only I reallize that the purpose of taking good health… So malu.. Now only reallize..

          Everyone suddenly treat me such good! My kai ma came and see me this morning, before the check up. She told me that: "everything will be okay.. Don’t worry too much! May be just normal skin alergy!" I really want to thank her for that "may be"! She let me know that miracles are hidden around us. My aunties and Uncles called me this morning, when I’m on the way to the skin specialist. They all sent their regards and comforted me. Though it was just a few words they have said, but I can feel the warmth! I was wondering that time, why all people know that I got this disease? I have think over all the situations. I think it was because of my mom and dad. They have asked around to seek help. They have sacrifice their energy and money as well. 妈的, 好感动咧! Thong, actually I wanted to call you yesterday, but I know I’ve troubled you for so many times. Then I decided to blog it. I know you will read de! And I know you can share with me! Chan Li, it’s  really unexpected that you read my blog! I will also very appreciate it very very much!!

THANKS EVERYONE!! YOU ALL VERY GOOD UNTIL I DON’T WHAT TO SAY, EXCEPT

"THANKS"

LOVE YOU ALL, AND MISS YOU ALL FOREVER!!